and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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