Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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