You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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