There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize