my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
