I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
