I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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