I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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