I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
