We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
