dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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