guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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