Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
