just tell him i said nine months
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
