Is it normal to miss your booty call?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
