you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
bring money and cleavage
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize