Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
