Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
