Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
