don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
