she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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