I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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