Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
