apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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