So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
