I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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