i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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