he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize