Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
