I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
