I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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