I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
