i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
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