Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
