I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
