she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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