do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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