You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
