My sheets look like a crime scene.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
