Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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