FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
