My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
