i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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