My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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