I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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