Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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