so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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