the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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