I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
