Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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