I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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