It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize