you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
