So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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