The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
