you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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