Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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