does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
