Plan B is the new Plan A
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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