So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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