I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
