I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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