how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
