I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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