apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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