Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
