Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
