i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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