I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
