Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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