It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
