I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize