Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
