i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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